an open letter to the EPA and BLM and DOI from god

To answer your first question: yes, I put my name in lowercase, because I am not so vainglorious as you.

I sat down at my drafting table with T-square, pencil, and eraser (this was before the days when AutoDesk invented the computer program to create blueprints) to design your planet (to answer your second question, yours is not the only inhabited planet in your universe, and, yes, there are multiple universes; and, no, Stephen Hawking does not have the correct solution).

I wanted the “earth”, as you call it, to be a happy, abundant place where living creatures, including humans, can be satisfied. So, I loaded your planet with plants of all sorts and lesser animals so all can eat and enjoy and be full. I made sure that there was such abundance, that running out would not be a problem (OK, I made one or two teeny-weeny mistakes on this account).

It took you a while, but you finally discovered the abundance I put into North America for you to find and use. I filled it with so many lobsters, that you can walk across rivers on their backs. I was disappointed at first when you fed them to your slaves (slavery was an evil I hated, but did not anticipate because I underestimated the treachery of your species) so much so that they petitioned you to feed it to them for only a couple of days a week. I am glad that you have discovered the error of your ways, as you now cherish it and are willing to spend a lot of your resources to enjoy them.

I also loaded up your lands with coal and oil, so you can heat your homes to enjoy warmth, and to create electricity so you can microwave your donuts. I even left other sources of oil, in sand and shale, for you to take at increased effort when the easily drilled pools of oil run out.

So why are some of your race (which you call “EPA” and “BLM” and "DOI") trying to prevent you from using and enjoying the abundance I left for you? I filled your beaches with oysters and clams that are good to eat, so everyone, even the poor and disadvantaged, can enjoy and be full. So why are you preventing farmers from growing oysters in Marin County in California? Besides being good to eat, do you not know that the water is actually cleaner, because I designed oysters to be filter feeders? Others of your kind are preventing you from extracting the oil in rocks in Federal Lands that I left for you to have and use. You also think that coal is evil, while energy from solar is good. Why? Is not energy, in and of itself, good?

You are my children and I love you, even if you do things that I do not fully understand or approve of.