Ummm...Vlad, can I speak to you for a
minute (may I call you Vlad? I hope so, cuz I know that you can use a
friend right now)?
I know that, right now, you are having
problems in Ukraine. But, you know, you have no one to blame but
yourself.
I understand very well that you have
great feelings for Ukraine. You view her as really a part of Russia.
I know a wee bit of history, and I can say that I empathize. You want
her back, and I do not blame you for your this.
I also understand very well that from
your point of view, everything worth doing is done from the top down,
not from the bottom up. Clapping someone on the shoulder and treating
him to a brewskie and a bowl of nachos is not your style, but there
is an old saying that you can catch more flies with honey than with
vinegar. Sometimes, it is easier to get someone to do what you want
by tickling and teasing her rather than by hitting her over the head
with a 2-by-4.
OK, now look what you have done. You
want Ukraine snuggled in your arms like a little girl, but instead,
she has fled into the arms of her new boyfriend (EU economic pact).
You stole her purse (Crimea), and are trying to hack into her bank
account (Eastern Ukraine). Did you really think that she would react
any other way? You want her notes to you to say “xoxoxo”, not
“f*ck u”.
Dude, it is never too late to kiss and
make up. Give her back her purse, and take out some loose bills in
your pocket to put into her bank account (cancel the debt to Gazprom
and pay generous compensation to the families of every person who has
been killed in Ukraine). Take her horseback riding, or at least for a
ride in one of those nifty new tanks (T99). But, for cryin' out loud,
wear a shirt.
Well, I hafta take a leak. Good luck,
dude.
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